Questions and concerns related to child education have evolved considerably during the course of the past few years. Yet one subject comes up constantly in my practice, the use of an old technique : time out as a punishment. It raises similar concerns for many : “Is it appropriate, suitable or even beneficial to use this technique?”

To shed some light on this issue, let us briefly recall that to withdraw a child from an activity and isolate him, was a method used and valued, rightly or wrongly, by parents from previous generations. At that time, this approach was used as a punishment and to exercise or impose parental authority. “Kneeling in a corner never killed anyone” some grandparents might still claim. Many generations survived these punishments, in spite of its humiliating nature whether it was deliberate or not.
However, what was the purpose of these interventions? What were the real consequences on the child? Various answers can be given. In my opinion, this method used with the best intentions can leave undesirable marks on children. Fear, humiliation, power, shame, discomfort and feeling belittled are part of the possible effects caused, although the parents were obtaining obedience. The child is ordered to reflect… How can it be done during time out if he is in such a state as the ones listed before?
It is normal to see that children from that era, now parents, are not so solid using withdrawal as a punishment. Whether they feel helpless or discouraged regarding the results they wish to achieve, these parents apply time out with uncertainty. It is used as a punishment for a variety of reasons, with ou without logic relation with the event or simply used as an automatism. On one side there are those parents who are aware of the professionals’ advice against these methods. On the other, there are those who are facing beliefs suggesting that “the more it hurts, the more the child will end up understanding”.
It is while concretely working with families to develop winning strategies, that constructive time out became a must in my practice with several families. Inspired by different theories on the subject and the ensuing recommandations, I came to the point of elaborating and applying my own concept of constructive time out. This method is easy to apply and clearly presented, which allows achieving the best results.

10 STEPS FOR CONSTRUCTIVE TIME OUT
Remember that each of these steps must be applied rigorously with the described values, therefore building a foundation for a constructive and harmonious parent-child relationship.

1) EXPLAIN THE GOAL : It is essential to clarify the purpose for constructive time out and to understand the basic principles supporting it : patience, confidence, rigour and support. Time out takes place immediately following unacceptable behaviour. While irritated, a child ends up in an intense X state and makes bad choices. The aim is for the parent to take position quickly and stop the scene while indicating to the child that it is simply unacceptable to behave that way.
Recommendation: The intention is not to punish, but to teach the child that he did not take care of himself, of his emotional state. This action shows the parents will support him to step back and realize his action while being quietly on time out.
2) CHOOSE THE PLACE : The time out place is preferably warm and inviting. Keep in mind that the purpose of this exercise is to help the child calm down, take care of himself and recharge his batteries.
Recommendation : A carpet, cushions, pillows, bean-bag or other ideas are totally appropriate.
For younger children, it is interesting to visually limit the area, for instance with masking tape, to provide concrete limits. It will be easier for the child to respect the zone and for the parent to be constant in his requirements.
Very often, the parent is also in a X state while applying time out, which can create intense situations where the parent will make disproportionate demands on the child, such as not moving at all.
3) IDENTIFY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOURS : Establish in terms of behaviour what is really unacceptable for you and your family. Indicate clearly what type of behaviour will necessarily require time out. For example : hit, strike, bite, punch, offensive language (name this language according to your situation), etc. The lack of respect varies from one family to the next. Not all lack of respect necessarily require constructive time out.
Recommendation: Avoid overusing this technique or using it according to the day’s mood. It is not because this method is effective that anything can be added on. From now on it is only for the stated behaviours that constructive time out will be used, even if you are tempted to use it for other unpleasant behaviours.
Also beware of excessively high or inappropriate requirements which could create an increasingly tense family environment.
4) DOING CRAFTS AS A FAMILY : A picture speaks a thousand words. Making crafts is a soothing activity and a source of enjoyment. It is a good time to explain clearly to the children a list of behaviours and to talk about it. Their responsiveness will surprise you. All you need is to put up a list of unacceptable behaviour pictograms on a poster. This will be a visually clear and concrete family agreement as well as a reference for all. The child will therefore be advised that it is for these reasons only, that he will be on a mandatory time out to calm down and recharge his batteries.
Recommendation: Informing the child about the possible course of action is also teaching him how to take responsability for the choices he makes. Furthermore it is easier for both parents to intervene with coherence and consistency about unacceptable behaviours with a clear visual agreement on the subject.
5) PROVIDE CHILDREN WITH TOOLS : A child can not think if his internal state is restless or explosive. He will be on a mission to claim and express his feeling of anger in a louder way. It is essential to provide tools DURING time out for him to learn how to manage this anger and to calm down. A tactile and “playful” object will help to reduce tension. The hands have many sensors which are affecting the neurological system. Manipulating an object has a direct impact on our state. The child can lay his frustration on the object by pressing it firmly.
Recommendation : A tactile object will also help the child to remain in the time out area, especially a younger child. Listen to your child’s needs. If these objects do not reach the objective, be creative and give him access to something that will make him feel good, ex. book, lego, or other. If the objects are not well used (ex : thrown), take them away and give them back a couple of minutes later.
6) REQUIRED TIME : A specified period of time can not be determined as a norm for all children. It is preferable to establish it according to age, temperament, ability and speed process to calm down. The objective is to establish a minimum time according to the specified criteria to start the constructive time out. A minimum time could be the same for all children in one family or different for each. A visual and audio tool such as « time timer » supports the concept of time and will allow both child and parent to complete the time period.
It is suggested to establish beforehand reasons why additional minutes to the time out may be justifiable. This will prevent the parent from attaining an X state rapidly if the time out does not go as planned. The child may want to test you, the system or himself.
Recommendation : If an extension of time is necessary, explain clearly and briefly the reasons. Know that children gain something from their parents with their unacceptable behaviour, they gain their full attention, even if this attention is negative. Be firm. There is a limit to adding time, but if you must, follow through and go to the end, even if it takes 20 minutes.
If your limit for additional minutes is reached, inform the child that if another additional minute is necessary, a natural and logical consequence will apply, such as a planned activity not taking place for lack of time. It is up to the child. You are intervening according to “HIS” choices.
7) MONITOR AND SUPPORT : It sometimes happen that a child can not overcome his state by himself or with objects. Be aware that this behaviour may not necessarily happen to make you react. The reason may be that he does not know how to lower his internal thermometer of emotions.
Recommendation : Some children will appreciate physical contact with their parent to calm down. Breathing has unlimited power and is communicative. While taking your child in your arms, encourage him to breathe deeply and slowly with you. This will make him feel safe and calm him down. As soon as he is recovering, he will be more positive about his constructive time out, which will facilitate the process to reach the goal.
8) FOLLOWING TIME OUT : The child must apologize appropriately before leaving the time out area. If he refuses, do not add time, his time has already been done. The choice to leave the area will belong to him.
Once the apologies are made, retrace the situation that led to the time out. Through this exchange, talk only briefly about the negative aspect of the unacceptable behaviour. Put the accent on what you wish to see your child do. Help him find alternatives and encourage his new disposition to improve.
Recommendation : If the time out period did not go as well as planned, show your child your confidence in him making better choices next time, therefore making the time out shorter. Embrace his success in the future and indicate clearly what you expect of him in a situation of anger. Remain positive, concise and coherent in your expectations. If you are clear about what you want to get, the easier it will be to teach your child.
9) INVOLVE THE CHILD: It is important to prepare your list of unacceptable behaviours and criterias to your system. However it is essential to involve your child in the process while doing crafts, discussing it and informing him on how it will work before starting to use this system.
Recommendation : An important tip would be to practice through role-play and simulations with the whole family. The child will easily assimilate such an experience while going through a concrete situation. In addition since there is no real crisis at that time, your child’s ability to understand will be at its best.
10) CONCLUSION : Constructive time out should decrease over time. It happens sometimes to see a difference in a very short period of time. The simple facts of involving the child in the process, identifying goals, consolidating confidence in yourself and parent team, showing coherence and consistency in applying your method, being clear in your expectations and more importantly providing tools to your child, are all factors that will directly influence the intended results.
The use or prolongation of time out in a repetitive manner means that something is not working in integrating or applying the method. You need to revise your approach and make the necessary adjustments according to your judgement and by remembering the key words : patience, coherence and confidence.
It happens regularly that a child will go to the time out area on his own with his tools before reacting promptly to a situation. This is part of the solution to act in order to prevent situations and developing automatisms. A child who recognizes his warning signs and has access to alternatives will become more autonomous in emotions management.

 

Caroline Boutin, T.T.S. & Family Coach and Certified PNL, Author, Lecturer and Founder of Parents Autrement.
info@parentsautrement.com
www.parentsautrement.com