For many parents, putting their child to bed is a nightmare. It’s a pleasure for the child when he’s succeeded in getting the parent’s attention and postponing bedtime. Here are some strategies that may help ensure that bedtime becomes a more enjoyable time.

Before sleeping, the child needs a stable and predictable routine; therefore, the sequence of steps leading up to bedtime should be the same every night (e.g. bath, pajamas, brushing teeth, going to the bathroom, and then a bedtime story). This routine will give the child cues leading to bedtime. Also, it is preferable to favour quiet activities after the evening meal and not too expose the child to TV and video games which are sources of heat and light that delay the release of melatonin, which leads us to sleep.

When parents always provide a safe, predictable routine for children and respond to their needs, we can then question when a child makes additional requests. Does the child really need what he asks for? (e.g. Put the covers on 2 times, give 4 hugs, have a drink of water.) Parents may start to think that the child is getting what he wants by using tactics to postpone bedtime and to have the parent stay for a longer time beside him. If we stop and think about it a little bit, the child has done well acting like this.

Rest assured, your child won’t be damaged if you don’t respond to these types of requests. On your side, you’ll get positive results by not responding to every request (e.g. having a cheerful, focused child the next day, more couple’s time in the evening, not missing half of your TV shows).

To change your child’s bedtime habits, I suggest you establish a game plan with your spouse. The game plan could include a thought out routine, the number of times you’ll respond to your child, and the tasks for each person etc. For the parent who finds it hard to hear their child cry out or crying, I would suggest listening to music with headphones, or go take a walk while the other parent implements the game plan.

Other means and adaptations may be put in place, but here are some examples:
– Establish a visual (icons) sequence showing the child’s bedtime routine.
– Make a checklist with all the child’s requests in the routine (e.g. 2 kisses, hugs, a glass of water, peeing). Then, the child won’t be able to get more because the parent gave all the requests prior to saying goodnight. The child will certainly try to find new ideas to add to the list.
– Make tickets that the child can use for requests. One ticket equals one request. When the child uses his ticket, he’ll know the parent won’t agree to another request.
– Provide an object that belongs to the parent (e.g. a dog from when the parent was young), or clothing with a scent (perfume) to reassure the child.
– Use the child’s imagination to help him fall asleep (e.g. offer a stuffed toy containing magical powers to help him fall asleep fast, a dream catcher).
– A reinforcement system could be set up to celebrate the child’s success when he falls asleep at the desired time (e.g. use a sticker when he gets up in the morning, choose something from a surprise bag). Tell the child how pleased you are with the fact that he fell asleep quickly which is very important. Giving positive attention around the behavior will encourage it to keep happening.
– Between the ages of 3 and 6, a child’s imagination is very active. There could be fears (e.g monsters and dragons). The parent can reassure the child by doing things like looking under the bed to show nothing is there, telling him such things don’t exist, and giving him a night light.
– When the parent returns to the child’s bedroom or gives some attention (e.g. answers him from the living room), the exchange with the child should be brief and the parent should respond in a robotic way (e.g “No – bedtime now.”) If the parent sees the child go out of the room, he shouldn’t look at the child or engage in friendly talk. These approaches don’t give the child the attention he wants to receive.
– Make sure the bedroom temperature is not too high. The body needs to be cool in order to sleep.

Finally, if you rigorously and consistently apply new habits related to the child’s bedtime, changes may be seen within a few days. There could be an increase in behaviors at the beginning of the implementation of the game plan, but little by little the child will know the limits and come to respect the change. With perseverance, something that used to take you one hour every night will now be of short duration.

 

Martine Dugas, Psychoeducator-martinedugas@live.ca