Anger is a legitimate emotion and there’s nothing negative about it. Everyone lives with anger. It is how it’s expressed that can become problematic. Some people are more skilled than others in expressing anger appropriately but with children, they’re still learning. The parent has a role to play in helping the child to reach this stage. Anger sometimes leads the child to a crisis situation, saying insults and using aggression. Here are some ways to better understand anger and help the child manage it better.
Before the age of 3, managing emotions is difficult for a child. With the onset of language, expressing emotions appropriately is easier especially when the adult encourages it. The famous “terrible twos” brings a lot of challenges for a child. It starts around the age of 2 and sometimes lasts for a year. At this age, the child tries to confirm his identity and tries by all means to control and oppose the demands imposed by the parent. Tantrums are common at this stage. In children, it’s not uncommon to see tantrums until the age of 4. The parent who knows about these stages of typical child development will be more aware and can therefore provide certain modifications to adapt to the child and understand him better.
Another important point to consider is the child lives on the pleasure principle and in the “here and now”. Therefore, having fun and being happy is the principle that dictates his daily life. If we go to the movies or a restaurant, the child won’t be happy unless he gets a dessert. He won’t remember that day before, he went out for ice-cream because this is the here and now, he thinks about his happiness, and he wants to be satisfied. If we compare all children, we’d find they’re all from “the same mold”. Unfortunately, the role of the parent is to create a framework and the child will test the limits of the parent. There it is! However, if the parent considers this second principle they’ll be more sensitive in understanding certain attitudes the child has.
Sometimes, a child who is angry realizes that doing things in this way is beneficial because he gets what he wants. It’s not uncommon for a parent to “flinch” at an angry child. However, the child remembers that when he’s angry, he can use it to his own advantage. Bingo! As a parent, it’s interesting to ask: Does my child’s anger or meltdowns allow him to avoid something unpleasant (e.g. doing a chore) or getting something pleasant (ex: more parental attention) ?
It’s also important to mention that some children are very angry because of what they’re living. This anger can be temporary (ex. the arrival of a little brother), but sometimes it’s important and illustrates a child’s suffering (ex. child neglect).
Tools for Parents
− The parent can question his own attitude and expectations, taking into account developmental stages and the divergent perceptions of the child. Children’s perception of a situation is quite different from an adult’s. Therefore, 5 year old Mathilde perseveres for something that costs $275; she doesn’t know what it’s worth and doesn’t do it on purpose; she’s simply asking because she’s thinking it would be fun. If the parent takes this into account, it’ll be easier for him to adjust his reaction level.
− Offer an appropriate model of anger management to the child. The child learns through imitation so as parents, if we shout or hit the wall, there’s no reason for us to ask our child not to do it!
− Label your own emotions and the child’s every day. Therefore, instead of saying, “Stop stomping your feet like that because you can’t play for 10 more minutes!” the parent can reflect back to the child, “It annoys you that I won’t allow you to play 10 more minutes. This is true, but you can tell me with words…” This is difficult for many parents to do, not having had this model from their own parents. By naming the child’s emotion and putting words on internal feelings, the child feels heard and this can help prevent a tantrum.
− The parent can give the child an alternative ways to manage his anger such as breathe, go to his room, use various calming tools (ex. pencil to paper filling out a sheet or writing, squeezing a ball, listening to music, reading etc.)
− Use various mediums such as books, television, thermometers, or a volcano to discuss anger with the child. Help your child to recognize the signs (ex. tone of voice exchange, tense muscles) and internal signs (ex. heart rate increases) when anger rises and encourage using an appropriate way to manage his anger. Above all, do not forget to reinforce the child when he uses a good way!
When to Consult a Professional?
− When the meltdowns take too much space, are too intense and frequent.
− When the parents are exhausted because of the child’s behavior, that anger affects the family’s daily life and all members of the family (ex. you can’t leave) etc.
− If, despite your best efforts, the child’s tantrums go beyond the age of 4-5 years.
− If the child is unable to manage his anger, is sad, feels devalued etc.
Finally, when some children have difficulty expressing their anger, it can be part of a larger disorder (ex. Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Tourette syndrome). However, a professional may help you understand where your child’s anger comes from and direct you to the right professional help.
Martine Dugas, Psychoeducator-martinedugas@live.ca
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