Catherine has 2 children aged 5 and 7 and making them respect the rules is a challenge! She always feels like she is repeating them and often has to come up with threats to get the children to act.
The Red Hammer Example
If you’re asked to do the following thing right now: “Don’t think of a red hammer” – what do you see in your head? Chances are, it’s a red hammer! The analogy is the same with children. When we say “Don’t run” or “Don’t shout,” the brain is made so that it will remember the action word, which is shout or run. Consequently, the behavior may continue! So, it’s always better to say what our expectations are rather than the behavior we want to stop. Examples:
| Negative Phrase | Positive phrase that illustrates our expectations |
|---|---|
| Don’t run | Walk and stay next to me |
| Don't shout | Speak softly |
| Don't touch | Look with your eyes, put your hands behind your back |
Objective: Nourishing Self-Esteem
When we reprimand our child (for example: You always get dirty when you eat), it can make the child feel ashamed, which is bad for their self-esteem. Conversely, using positive phrases is good for their self-confidence!
| Phrases to avoid | Phrases beneficial for self-esteem |
|---|---|
| Don’t climb! You’re going to fall. | I look at you and trust you. Take your time. |
| Stop hugging your brother! You’re always too rough with him. | Your brother likes to have hugs that are gentle. If you want to hug really hard, do that with Mom and Dad. |
| Hurry up! You’re always the last one ready. | What do we put on first? Pants or the sweater? |
| You’ve left your things lying around again. | Come with me – we’ll put away your clothes. Where do the dirty socks go? (in the laundry basket) Where does the stuffed doggie go? (in the toy bin) |
| Don’t cry – let’s see. | You’re in pain. I understand. It’s okay to cry. |
| If you clean up your room, you can invite your friend over. | When you're finished tidying up, your room, we’ll call your friend to invite him over.* If necessary, we list the tasks to be done in the bedroom: make the bed, put the clothes in the dresser drawers, put the toys away in the bin, etc. |
Finding positive alternatives to some of our words is a challenge! However, the effort is well worth it! And why not try saying more positive phrases to yourself? Be kind to yourselves! You really deserve it!
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