For some time now, reopening announcements have been increasingly present in our minds. An aura of decompartmentalization, of returning to ‘’normal’’ and of reunion is gradually taking hold. So does the anxiety associated with this new change.

 

While I was getting used to this way of functioning which appeared to me inscribed in my autistic logic as a continuation of my social reserve, I must prepare to go back to how it was before. What was that?

Before, I used to say no to social activities; maybe and we will see. I used to make up excuses instead of saying that I was tired from my workday. I used to get nervous about not having anything planned for my weekend because normalcy told me that on Friday, Saturday and Sunday I had to be in ‘’activity’’ mode so that Monday morning at the office, I could talk about it. So that my answer would not be as silly as: nothing! So that I would not say that I just watched a series on repeat that soothed me and that I took two days to prepare a recipe for my lunches mentally and physically.

I liked that everything has no more plans. I liked that doing nothing was considered a valid activity. I especially felt a connection with the mass that I had not often had. I discovered that neurotypicals and introverts are not the same, but they have similarities in the desire to be alone from time to time. Alone but not isolated. Alone but accompanied. It is less lonely when you are alone together. I liked that it was complicated to see each other. I liked this desire to see each other again. This ardent wait. This patience between two meetings. And this great sanitary and salutary rule of one person at a time. Covid, I do not love you, but I did not hate you either. Great things happened to me in the height of the pandemic. I defused a toxic relationship, I got out of my apartment more than ever, I made new friendships virtually and then face-to-face, I became strong and then fragile and then strong again. I was scared like everyone else and anxious like everyone else. I was ‘’bleh’’ too and much bigger than this weariness, I felt like I belonged to this society that had become autistic itself in a way. Clumsy, worried, hopeful, disillusioned, empathetic, distant and in search of rules to follow to know when to break them at the right time.

Covid you haven not left, but you are not much ‘’online’’ these days. I am afraid to return to ‘’normal’’ because I felt quite out of place when the majority had a lot to say on Monday mornings. I am also looking forward to getting back to my beautiful uniqueness because I learned in pandemic: rigidity is not an autistic trait, it is a human trait. See you Monday!

Gabriela Ovallé

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