Kids can be very colorful at times and keep us on our toes. We could even think that they are purposely putting us to the test, which is not the case obviously. When we experience a rougher patch with them.

Nonetheless, it’s important to know where these behaviours and reactions originate from in order to understand why they occur.

The article, with its four strategies, is a guide to help us deal with opposition or resistance from our children.

These are but a few examples that will be used throughout this article.

“Anthony, you’ve left everything on the floor again! How many times must I repeat myself for you to understand?”

“I can’t believe this! We go through night after night! What is it you don’t understand Beatrice?”

“Enough complaining, Jacob. It’s the way it is and that is that!”

1st Strategy - Talk About the Situation

When a situation makes us react, some of us tend to give a speech and others tend to complain in front of our children.

The aforementioned examples are answers that were given in reaction to a situation. And answers such as these, usually end up escalading and causing a reaction from the children themselves. Not the best way for them to cooperate. Just imagine if your employer or spouse answered in such a fashion? Do we want our children to start answering this way? Is this how we want our children to express themselves when they are dealing with a frustrating situation?

Be proactive regarding the situation at hand by talking about the facts, by describing the situation and giving details. You can then add your instruction and ask your child to collaborate (which is what we wanted to start with).

For example, Anthony’s parent could give the following answer: “I see that your pencils and binders are on the floor. We could walk all over them and maybe break them, we could even hurt ourselves. All this can be avoided if you tidied things up and put your items away, Sweetie.” The parent may have had to take a deep breath and put a smile on his face before saying these few words, especially if the situation has repeated itself time and time again. 

By sticking to the facts, we allow our children to observe the situation and understand the pertinence of our request.

2nd Strategy - Share Your Feelings

This second technique allows you to verbalize and explain how you feel when in this sort of situation. Keep in mind to adapt your language according to your child’s age.

This allows your child to understand that you also have feelings and emotions and that each member of the family has to make compromises and has to be respectful at all times. Avoid putting blame. This strategy is easier to use if you start your phrases with “I” or with “I feel”. 

Jacob’s parent could have answered in the following way: “Jacob, I feel sad and powerless when you don’t dress up for school. I would like for us to find a solution and this will make our mornings so much more pleasant, Sweetheart”.

I am sure you can hear the softness in the tone, the eagerness to find a solution. If when you are dealing with a tougher situation, you express your emotions and your state of mind to your child, you are teaching your child that it is possible to communicate when things aren’t right. You are also teaching your child that everyone has a right to his emotions. And third, your child is learning that solutions are found through dialogue.

3rd Strategy - Sum Up and Synthetize

This strategy allows you to highlight the situation in a precise and concise way. As an example, Anthony’s parents could say: “Sweetie, your crayons!” The message would be given in a soft and firm way all at once. Beatrice’s parent, who wishes that she cleans her lunch box when returning from school, could then say (while smiling): “Sweetheart, your lunch box.”

Stay clear and brief, your child knows what is expected of him.

4th Strategy - Use Visual Reminders

There are times when talking should be set aside and the use of a note (for children who can read) or an image can be a way of relaying your message and of being understood.

Anthony’s parent could leave the following note: “thank you for tidying up before dinner.” An image could also show a child picking up his toys.

Beatrice’s parent could leave a note on the door reminding her to clean her lunch box: “Thank you for cleaning your lunch box, this helps me a lot xo.”

The parent could also subtly drop an image of a clean lunch box without saying a word. This strategy sets a clear message to the child. A sort of: “I know you will do your task, I trust you will.”

In conclusion

All four strategies have a common factor: the parent’s attitude when doing the intervention. Attitude is key in all four strategies and in many other strategies also. 

Showing empathy, staying calm during your interventions are capital in obtaining your child’s support and collaboration.

Lysanne Lanthier

Specialized Educator and Family Coach
Owner and Founder of Objectif famille