When I met Jeanne for the first time, I was struck by her personality, her intelligence and sensitivity. Jeanne is a bright young girl and very pleasant to interact with. So I was not surprised to discover that her list of friends contained more names than my grocery list of things I needed to buy!
Jeanne wanted to better understand her various relationships to get along better with her friends because too often she was caught in the middle of two friends or from some friends, she had to put up with behavior she disliked. On this list, who were friends and who were acquaintances?

How Do I Choose My Friends?
I suggested to Jeanne to describe what is important to her in a friendship. This is what we came up with:
We have compatible values
We share common interests
With them, I feel good and respected
With them, I learn and grow even in difficult times
Most of the time, my friends provide the opportunity to experience pleasant emotions

Values? What values?
In light of these 5 key points to choosing friends, I asked Jeanne what were her values. Inspired by an ethical and religious upbringing, it did not take long for me to compile an exhaustive list. We concluded that the long list was interesting, but quite frankly difficult to integrate on a daily basis. Jeanne then selected the Top 5 of her most important values, ones she wanted to follow every day, those that influenced her actions and choices. Here they are, along with the definition she gave them:
1. Preferring to be with my family rather than my friends at events or activities that are important to one or more family members. Treat my family members with love. Cultivate fun with them. Help and support them.
2. Respect – Treat people nicely; be considerate of others’ ideas, feelings, choices and preferences. Respect their values. Observe their nature and the environment.
3. Listening: Take into consideration others’ ideas. Be sensitive to their needs.
4. Fairness and Equity: Treat others in a way to be able to respond to their needs and wants and not just equally.
5. Assistance – Provide support and be supported. Work towards a common goal.

Jeanne now had her personalized tool that matched her criteria and values to help her choose her friends better. She was soon put to the test. Each name on her friends list was submitted under her new tool. Her findings confirmed her initial intuition. She was all smiles as she left my office knowing why she wanted to invest in a friendship with ET now.
And you? How do you help your children choose their friends?

 

Karine Trudel, Parenting coach and co-founder of www.savezvousplanterdeschoux.com